Absolution

I want to try.
When you tell me I can't I only
want to more.
Not quite the forbidden but
the unhealthy.
I know this is not ideal.
I know I know I know
I know.
So quit telling me.
I'm not making this easy for you, am I?
Either way, you will
hurt me, its unavoidable.
I leave you to make
my decision
once again. Subconsciously I want
the pain
but cannot bring it upon myself.
I'm sorry you're so good to me.
You are never at fault, I will always
blame myself.