Fade into the gray (into nothing)

It won't go away.
never does.
the feeling always stays.
want a different life,
i really do.
it's selfish, i know
so many people are worse off than i
but i still want better things for myself
why can't i be happy?
happy more often, at least.
alive one minute, dead inside the next.
please...
make this go away.

unconditional love?
how about unconditional loneliness...
that seems to be what i feel
it is always there.
DON'T. WANT. THIS.
go away, hurt
go away.
what if i wasn't here?
what if i took my life?
don't worry, i won't...
but what if?
no more pain for me!!
well, i'd be burning eternally,
but no more "emotional" hurt.
i just want to dissolve into the surface of the earth.
NOW.

please.
let me disintegrate into nothing.
be nothing but specks on the ground.
i wouldn't feel anything
and it would be a nice change.

i have few friends these days. i tend to isolate myself a lot.
but the friends i have-
they are the best people in the world,
and wouldn't trade them for anything.
but they are only friends.
they love me...
but not in "that way".
and right now,
i need that more than anything.
i have "we will be friends forever" love
but one also needs "i want to be with you forever" love.
if i don't find that soon,
my heart may never heal.
and i don't want that.

i would curl up and die if it wouldn't hurt my friends...
but i can't do that to them.
my pain should only be my pain.

i feel the sad water on my face.
i want to cut my so called "beautiful" eyes away
so the sad water will be no more.
if i could not see,
less pain there would be.
blind as a bat... blind to love... blind to all that is great and yet i will never have.

i'm rambling again.
who wants to hear someone whine about their "pain"?
don't worry about me.
don't.
my pain is my pain.
and i am sure that anyone that knows me feels my pain as well.
they don't deserve pain.
maybe i don't, either
but no matter how much i want to fade away, fade into gray, fade into nothing- i'm glad i have this pain-
and someone else doesn't.

i still am screaming at the top of my lungs
i always scream hope.
always.
but my voice is getting thin,
getting hoarse.
i just. want. love.

I'm alone.