Demons

Demons

Hi, my name is Takegillforaridebeforhehastopoopoo, but you can call me Gill. I’m a Doppalar Demon. Being a Doppalar Demon is kinda cool, because we’re not expected to eat children, suck souls or park cars at the Hilton. Gordauffel Demons do that. I…I mean park cars at the Hilton…that is. It’s the only thing they’re good at. Next time you’re at the Hilton, take a good look at your valet. If he has chiseled features, tanned skin and beady little eyes, chances are, he’s a Gordauffel Demon posing as a valet. If you get a chance, smell his arm pit. It’s a dead giveaway if he smells like soup. Most of them smell like bean with bacon, but every once in a while you’ll get one who smells like clam chowder. But don’t be fooled, if his armpits smell like vegetable beef with barley, it’s probably a Hagigaster Demon, posing as a Gordauffel Demon, posing as a valet at the Hilton. Hagigaster Demons are responsible for eating children and sucking souls. Well…actually, all demons eat children and um…suck souls, from time to time. It’s part of the job description. Hagigaster Demons are just better at it. Hey, I don’t make the rules in the workplace; and a guy’s gotta make a living. Ya know? But we’re not all bad. Some demons aren’t even slimy! Me and three of my buddies from acquisitions, even get together with a group of angels from a rival company, every Saturday for an all night poker game. We do argue over the finger food though. I prefer index fingers myself. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking; it does get confusing being a demon sometimes.

Well, enough about that kooky stuff, sweet potato. It’s time to let you in on why I’m here. You see Doppalar demons are responsible for plumbing and heating problems. We also have the power to change words around while humans are reading something. It’s a handy little trick at state of the union addresses. The problem is, if you can get the President to say something like: “Nuclear weapons are hidden in my rectal cavity,” the director yells CUT and re-shoots the scene. It’s not FAIR! But, at least I have you now. Well…I don’t mean…HAVE…like…I HAVE a sexually transmitted disease. Damn! Why did I say that? I just wanna be clear that I don’t actually HAVE a sexually transmitted disease. Demons don’t get STDs. We just eat various body parts and suck souls. That is…THEY just eat various body parts and suck souls. Not…um…me. Unless its, of course, part of that monthly quota…thing. But hey, the month’s just begun, and I’m in no rush. No, I’m here to offer you a free plumbing and heating inspection. I’ll check your entire house! Attic and underneath the house included! Heck, sometime I even catch a rat or two while I’m under there. They’re not too good raw; but sautéed with a sprinkle of basil, and covered in a light marinara sauce, is exquisite. At least…that’s…what demons who are into that sort of thing tell me.

Anyway, so um…what do you say? All you gotta do is give me an invite, and I’ll pop by, faster than you can say exorcist. But see, that’s just it, you HAVE to invite me. Demons can’t actually enter someone’s house uninvited. If we do, we’re forced to listen to Gilbert and Sullivan music for a year straight! Screw the Pirates Of Penzance!! Do that three or four times every twenty years, and you develop an intense hatred for pirates in leotards! Not…that I…would know anything about that. So you can see my predicament, right? Does…that mean I’m invited? By the way, do you have children? How about marinara sauce? Oh…no…not for me. It’s just a little survey I’m taking. You know…like…how many people eat spaghetti, ravioli and other pastas. Nice weather we’ve been having! You been working out? You look good. Tasty…uh…I mean…HEALTHY! Yeah, that’s it! You look healthy! I’ve always had an appreciation for humans who take care of themselves. Does wonders for the flavor…I mean…appearance. Yeah, RIGHT, appearance! That's what I meant! Anyway, about that…offer. If you’ve taken a shower, preferably in really hot water, and you’re interested in a FREE plumbing and heating inspection, you can call my toll free number at: 1-666-DEMON-4U. That’s 1-666-336-6648. Minions are standing by to serve me…I mean…you. Call now. Um…please.