But a horrible nightmare,
That I never woke up from.
Because all those years,
O yes, I could feel the pain,
And I kept telling myself,
You cannot feel pain in your dreams,
They will never hurt you.
But what about nightmares?
They were never mentioned,
And my life was a sick combination of both.
A dream that I was 'glad' to have,
Was told to enjoy.
But I didn't, do me?
And didn't you know just that?
O yes, you did,
And o no, don't deny it,
It's too late for you now.
And I tell you this,
But I'm not next to you,
The clues are coming together in your mind,
And though it's hard to concentrate
For the burning pain you can't escape,
You now realize all the clues I left behind,
No, they were not in that list,
That you o so conviently found,
No, that was not a message that I was
A lost child 'crying for help'
As I'm sure you think about me.
I'm not crying for help,
Though sometimes it seems
Like I can barely silence my voice.
And as you try to run from the flames,
That stay at your feet,
Like a perfect little dog trained so well,
You see I'm not there,
And I never will be,
No, I'll never join you in hell.
Not to say I'm in heaven,
Or that I'm some kind of saint,
That had a say in where you'll land,
No, I was just one of those people
That lived in my own personal hell.
Supposed to be heaven,
Though I was told to be grateful,
I envied the poor little kids.
With no money,
And sometimes no food,
No house,
Or one that was not as big as our's.
But yes, I wanted to be those little girls,
Who have a family that loves them,
And they all stick together,
Through everything,
And when they die,
They know they lived,
They life they would never trade in,
Because they love it.
And now you still hear my voice,
But what you can't hear is my never ending tears.
You can't see them either,
Even when I'm positive they are smudging my eyes,
And running down in black muddy streaks.
Not to say I'm a saint,
I'm the complete opposite,
But I've already been to hell,
And where would I go after that life?
From hell to hell,
No thanks,
I'd rather not,
I'll stay here where at least I'm not completely alone,
But sometimes even my friends seem too far away,
Like they fell off the side of the earth,
Where I'm totally lost,
And I can't say anything to them,
Because they are gone.
I'm no saint,
And I'm not saying I'm better than you,
In fact I know I'm so much worse,
But I've been to hell,
And never came back,
And I chose black loneliness,
Empty spaces,
Instead of the burning, licking flames of hell,
Because I'm tired of all the pain.
I'd rather be alone,
Cold and numb,
But at least I'm away from the pain,
I may be alone,
But at least I'm numb,
My emotions all drained,
You may think that I'm like that now,
I don't feel the pain,
Drained of all emotions,
And the only smile I have is one that is invisible,
Existing only in my mind.
But I do have emotions, and I do have a smile,
And I feel it,
I feel all the pain.
