Understood Confusion

I understand now…
How you can still want the love
That broke your heart.

I understand now…
How you really can love someone
Forever and always
…but that doesn’t mean
you won’t have to let them go.

I understand now…
How he could love her
She is just as beautiful
Just as “perfect”
…but what do I know?

I understand so much at this point…

Yet I am so confused
I feel lost in my own world
A world that never exists
But never shall I escape.

I don’t understand…
How you could love me like you claim
While loving her just the same… or more.

I don’t understand…
Why you would do this to me… or to her.

I don’t understand…
Why kind people receive all these things
All these things they don’t deserve.

I don’t understand…
Why you would hurt me, purposely.
But I know you warned me…

You said I never hurt you
So what happened here?
What happened with us?

I don’t understand…
How you could feed me so many lies.
When you said the first day we met that,
“Lying is the worst thing you could do.
It’s the only sin I believe in.”
You wouldn’t even make a harmless lie…
Now I find that you may have been lying
This whole damn time… and very harmful lies at that.

Am I supposed to just take this love & heartache
For learning experience?
For my future love life (assuming I’ll have one)?

Why did I fall for him?
I thought I was helping him –
He said I helped him…
More than I could ever know.

Was I wrong?
Really, Was. I. Wrong?
I thought everyone deserves to be loved
Everyone can and will find love,
Motivation to live and strive…
Love can produce such happiness,
But love can produce such distress as well.
I still believe true love is worth it…
I just wish he hadn’t done this.

I thought he loved me…
I thought a lot of things.
I feel like such a fool.
Love is a game
But I wasn’t aware I was playing.
I didn’t lie. I meant all I said to him.
And now I am in this game –
A game I have never played before –
And I am afraid of losing.
Afraid of losing my love,
Of losing him, of losing this *spooty* game I am in.

I never wanted to hurt him…
I don’t think I ever really hurt him.
Most especially not on purpose.
So why on earth has he done this?

I was warned…
He told me I shouldn’t love him
Because he knew he’d end up hurting me,
That he ends up hurting everyone who knows him.
So I should just stay away.
But I didn’t listen.
I didn’t want to stay away.
I grew to love him truly & deeply.
I can’t explain it.
Love just happens.

I might have very well lost my number two reason
My number two reason to live, right below my parents –
Who’ll always love me no matter what,
And that is one plain and simple fact.
I hope I don’t lose my reason.
I hope I don’t lose him *completely.*

Sadly, I still want him. I still love him.
I hadn’t needed him; I had wanted him.
I loved him… I shall always love him.
After the lies, disappearances, & betrayal
After everything – I still love him.

So I understand now
How hard it is to forget
I understand now
How hard it is to let go
Knowing I deserve better
…They all say I deserve more
He always said he didn’t deserve me.
He always said I deserve better than I have.
Well now I have less… so much for that idea.