Victim

by Dumpstead   Nov 18, 2005


Victim
------

Her moving hair, whispering to the wind,
amidst the busy city, her thoughts rewind;
She's a raving beauty, who's left behind
by time, tragedy and people's mind.

In the running world, she moves with her pace,
Twinkling blue eyes looking for some grace,
as tears drop onto her breasts from her face
She just wants to escape to a heavenly place.

She is innocent, lovely and hence so vulnerable
in this world filled with violence and rumble.
She's gotta go to the place fit for the humble
For I think "My god! An angel she does resemble".
Lost in her thoughts, she trips and grumble
I rush, hold her, and she begins to tremble.

I sooth her down and I try to calm her,
she wriggles free, like I would harm her,
Her lovely face, more beautiful with anger,
with cheeks reddened, she barks like a ranger
"Mister, What do you think doing you were??"

"Saving an angel from eating the dirts of this world,
Staring at the princess that I would hold
in my arms, wondering would all the world's gold
Could do justice to this mesmerizing mould,
for God must have created you before he got old."

She giggled at my answer for laughter she couldn't hold,
Introduced herself and said "Man! You are bold!".
"I ask of you to let me see this beauty again
For I promise tonight's dinner won't go in vain."
As I spoke those words I could see her face brighten
And I knew for sure that my first Victim had fallen.

    report violation
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Latest Comments

  • 18 years ago

    by xxEvilAngelxx

    To be honest, the flow was way off through the entire poem. I would suggest reading it out loud and changing it that way rather than basing it on syllables (sp?). I noticed it in one line in particular, in the second stanza : "as tears drop onto her breasts from her face". The sinister twist you have at the end took me by surprise and i liked it. Also, the rhyming seems forced in some places, but i'm sure you'd be able to fix that. If you must, you could even change the rhyme scheme so you wouldn't need to make every line rhyme in each stanza. Keep up the hard work!

    xxEvilAngelxx

  • 18 years ago

    by Mousie

    It was good, but this time it felt like the words were forced, the ryhme was forced. poems don't always have to rhyme, and usually mine don't, just because it doesn't sound so forced. they don't flow quite as nice, sometimes you have to read them a second time, but it's better than forcing the rhyme...

    i liked this one better than the other though, but i didn't understand the last line. it sorta threw me after the poem. was he a player? or was he in love with her... that was what i was confused on.

    overall, just try not to force the rhyme too much... i liked the content on this one, it just needs a little tweaking... that's just my opinion... nice job and i'll look forward to reading some others

  • 18 years ago

    by milly

    I'm really sorry but I didn't really like this poem. Again, I could admire the ambitious rhyming, but I didn't feel particularly moved, I wasn't sure to what extent this was real to you, and I have always thought that even if a poem is not a true experience that it should read as if it were. But as I always say, each poem is personal to the poet, so my comments are from my reading and I'll never be able to understand it as you do.
    much love x
    ps. thanks for your comments, I'm gutted I didn't tell you which ones to do now, as you chose two that I'm less proud of...ah well, such is life!

  • 18 years ago

    by Dumpstead

    Dear Mybusybedroom,

    Incidentally this is teh poem that won me a silver coin in a contest hosted at my company, but anyway that may be gross as there were only 38 entries. And yes, I agree this is not a poem that can be compares with professioanl writers and if you feel it ahs too much rhyme then I must disagree as I am a ardent fan of rhyming. But yes, everyone is free to her opinions and thanks for your comments. And yes, perharps Life will teach me much bolder lessons in days to come that will add emotioanl depth to my thinking and allow me to deviate from processes so that my writing can also differ or maybe I will always write in a style taht is neither free verse nor can be called traditional poetry.

    Thanks for your comments.

  • 18 years ago

    by Tammie

    Oh i like this poem most. I love the twist at the end, i definately wasn't expecting it. I think the story behind it all was well thought out and you wrote it perfectly. Another great job. 5/5 I don't know how you ended up with a rating of 3.6 for this so far, but obviously, some people are really jealous of how well you write.

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