My Untrusting friend

I should be happy,
but as much as I try...
i cant be.

I try to sleep but i cant,
smiling just happens now,
whether im happy, or sad.

Today was a sad day.
And I dont know why.
I dont understand why i want to die.

I want to leave.
be all alone,
with no one but myself.

I have "friends", "family"
and thats the problem.
My family and friends are really figments of imagination.

Ive got that boy,
that I adore.
I want him forever.

But I for some reason dont believe that,
he will miss me when im gone..
why is it like this?

Must be because of my past,
all the times ive been lied to..
all the times ive been hurt.

Its killed me inside,
I cant trust..
I dont know how.

My friend says im an angel,
she can never be mad at me,
its this just to keep my happy?

She could be lying just like the rest,
waiting for me to crash,
ready to laugh when I cry.

I tell her everything,
hoping she wont spread it.
Im afraid everynight that something will get out.

So as I die.
I leave nothing behind.
Because life is my un trusting friend.