A Christmas Suicide

My Christmas days were special, at least when I was young
I was happy with my little toys, my little Tonka Truck.
Or a very simple toy, maybe a video game or two.
I loved those things back then they gave me something to do.
But as the years went by, and I saw things as all they were
Christmas meant nothing to me anymore, just another day I'll hurt.
I did have one Christmas though, that I know I will never forget.
but that Christmas had a down side, it left me in regret.
I hurt someone I loved, because I refused to smile.
I didn't think it was big deal, but I was wrong the while..
No time after Christmas, a tragic thing happened to me
I lost my first love in front my eyes, I was too blind to see.
so now I ask for Christmas each year, I ask to be forgiven.
I always say I'm sorry, and I try to leave the living.
Yeah what I say is true, every Christmas I wanna die.
The loneliness it hurts, it tears me apart inside..
When everyones down stairs, opening gifts and smiling
I'm up in my bedroom, banging my head and crying..
One year I tried to kill myself, I took so many pills
I couldn't stop myself from trying, suicide against my will.
The second year I tried, I brought more pain than I expected.
i lost faith in my myself and Christmas, by family I was rejected.
They told me I would ruin it, so I'll never be home that day.
Everyones happy without me, maybe things are better this way.
but on Christmas eve I'll still pray, and beg for one more try.
I'll be in the papers, the title will read "A Christmas Suicide"