Pain Beneath My Chest(JournalEntry4)

I close my eyes against the pain beating in my chest. A silence meets my beating heart. Lost in reality, or was it a dream? Lost to life, or was it ..death? Crying myself to sleep at night...or was it today?
Everything blends together like one great blur. Things come and go and then I'm lost again in the world of pain and reality. Trying to shove this pain away just never works anymore; getting it out by other means is the only way that seems to work. God, where are you now when I begged on my knees for you? How could you let me go this far ... how could you let me decieve myself so much? Nothing seems right anymore; I'm not what I'm supposed to be. Just a girl, sitting here typing a prayer ...that will never. come. true.

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Losing something so dear to you is like losing a peice of yourself. You cry and search for that peice, but you will not find it. You can beg it to come back, beg for God to allow something to go right, just this once, but it never will. So instead, you lose all living faith and give up, and throw your arms to the sky screaming God's name. 'When will you ever show yourself!' You'll scream in agony as tears run down your face. 'Why were you never here! Why couldn't you just be here for once in my goddamned life!!!' You scream out in pain with tears streaking down your face.
You fall to the ground crying, with your head in your hands, your whole body shaking. 'When did this all go wrong,' you'll ask yourself. 'When will anything seem right again? When will I be able to tell my reality from my dreams ... Maybe this has all been a dream ...'
But alas, my dear child, it has not been, and you're really stuck in a world where you don't want to be. So here your soul will melt, and when you die, it will melt into the ground where everyone will forget your name.

.:Forever I Remain:.
Sheena S. Ward