Love is not what I dreamed of
My father was insane,
A man with a short fuse and a temper her could not contain.
I still thought of him as my hero and the greatest Dad,
Even though, my mother's bruises and tears made me mad.
Would our family separate or would we stay together?
As a little girl, I thought no matter what, I would choose him forever.
The war began between him and my mother,
But her allies grew to include my sisters then my brother.
I stood alone next to the person who I thought loved me the most,
But my battle was next he was the first to break my heart and eat my soul like a parasite to its host.
Love is not what I dreamed of.
My heart, now vulnerable, but my body still pure and sweet,
I prayed God would send that one man to sweep me off my feet.
The first one came in the form of a long time friend,
Our first kiss, his rough touch I tried to defend.
It wasn't suppose to cause such physical pain,
I am starting to lose sight of the sun and feel the rain.
Love is not what I dreamed of.
I wanted what I saw made others happy,
That movie relationship and that perfect family.
I built a wall with my rules attached to the brick,
One, anything nice said to you or done is a trick.
Two, you'll always be a secret to anyone you love,
Three, no matter how good things look, failure is lurking from above.
So many more, all dealing with loneliness,
The marks I self inflicted showed my loss of happiness.
Love is not what I dreamed of.
Those around me saw my tears of blood,
I cried silently, away in my room, screaming for help, screaming to be hugged.
My father had to go due to drugs and the same pain I suffered from,
Now, I felt everyone was leaving and I couldn't come.
Love is not what I dreamed of.
Seeing the lessons those learned before me, I knew I needed to wake up,
I was so young, yet I didn't want to give up.
Daddy came back and I fell for a boy of a color forbidden,
Once again something I wanted to share had to be hidden.
He made me laugh, he made me feel beautiful,
I knew now I could do anything, he made me hopeful.
I shared with him my soul and virginity,
I sinned and we both contested our Christianity.
He kept me no secret because I was the girl his friends wanted,
Our moments of privacy he soon leaked and flaunted.
A second man to break my trust,
And once again apologies were never enough.
Love is not what I dreamed of.
The door to my heart would stay closed,
Apparently the line "once you go black, you'll never go back" arose.
Honestly, I gave up and was blind to any opportunities,
Then came the infatuation that held all the remedies.
I knew him before, I knew him as a little crush burrowed in my heart,
He was so pretty I was drawn from the start.
The boy every girl fiend for,
Was knocking at my door, wanting me, wanting more.
It lasted longer than I imagined,
And now wish it never happened.
I learned that some people just don't care,
They tare you heart out, step on it, and spit on your pride leaving unaware.
My stomach heaved, my throat closed,
I cried so much I thought my head was going to explode.
I felt the desire to get even and the rage to kill,
It's funny what they will do to get a thrill.
He comes around today because he sees I have changed,
He swears up and down that he's better and his motives have rearranged.
Love is not what I dreamed of.
My heart is cold and emotions no longer exist,
After some time I saw a challenge I couldn't resist.
I feel like someone different and new,
I believe in myself, yet still trust few.
I accomplished the task but couldn't break away,
He has me flocking to him with every desire in obey.
My mind is cloudy and body is on its own,
He knows just where to touch me, he knows just how to make me moan.
This new evil I can not resist,
It leads me to keep a secret my soul can never dismiss.
The lust is no longer,
Love, I believe, is my hunger.
I fear he is going to leave me,
He doesn't listen to his heart or think of what we could be.
He sees a number, he hears his friends,
Maybe he doesn't really love me in the end.
I believe in him even if he is not with me,
Why is this one different, I just want to see him succeed?
They say love is when you care for someone more than yourself,
Who cares for me, who takes care of me, I am by myself.
Love is not what I dreamed of.
