Not A Normal Girl

On the outside I may seem like a normal teenage girl,
but bottled up inside of me is a feeling of helplessness.
I feel such a great need for self-destruction,
and I don't understand these feelings at all.
Through my eyes I see a bright world where darkness only sometimes dwells,
but in my mind is a whole new world.
There is a whole different world where it's just me alone,
And in this world only darkness dwells.
Am I crazy? Am I insane?
There must be something very wrong with me.
I suddenly no longer want to live,
I wish I could sleep and never wake up.
I do many things I know I may regret later,
But that just doesn't stop me.
I don't even know if there will be a later for me,
Will I even live to be an adult?
As I look at the bottle in my hand,
I know I am destroying myself.
I drink to forget everything,
hoping to somehow unknowingly end my life.
I look at the streetlamps,
the only lights on this dark midnight.
I walk along the sidewalk for over an hour,
Feeling confident and yet afraid.
Wondering if I will ever sleep in my own bed again,
Will I ever see my friends, my family again?

I had thought he loved and understood me,
But now I have lost him but still love him.
He had begun to help me love myself,
but now I just hate everything again.
He had begun to make me want to live,
but now all I want to do is die.
He said he loved me and would never hurt me,
I guess I was being stupid when I believed him.
I knew that I would end up hurt in the end,
and now I love him even more.
Why do I still love him when he hurt me so?
How can I still think of him when he's probably forgotten me?
I try telling him how much he hurt me,
but I guess he just doesn't understand.
I try telling him that I need him in my life,
but I guess there's no point anymore.

As I look down at the thin red line of blood on my wrist,
I wonder if this is the worst I will ever do.
Will I ever have the courage to dig deep into my pain?
So deep that I will collapse lifeless on the floor.
As that point of a pin pierces my soft thin flesh,
I seem to feel no pain at all.
As I take the knife for the very first time,
I still feel no pain as it cuts me.
Holding it against my delicate wrist,
Pressing it down but no longer cutting.
I know I am may be leaving scars for life,
And yet I just want to go deeper.
My eyes fill with tears I can't hold back,
not tears of pain but of loss of control.
Why am I crying if this is supposed to help?
This is supposed to ease my inner pain and make me smile.
Instead of feeling proud for finding a way to deal,
I collapse on the ground feeling guilty.
I feel so helpless and no one's there,
I just have to handle this on my own.

As I look at the meal in front of me,
I see the worst thing in the world.
Somehow I have grown to hate food,
it is now my worst enemy.
I have three bites and feel so guilty,
knowing that if I have any more I will get fat.
Everyone around me is telling me I have a problem,
But I just don't want to listen.
I try to get out of eating anything at all,
but I can't do this, I am forced to eat.
And so I resort to another way,
as I look into this bowl I begin shaking.
Putting my finger down my throat once again,
Vomiting up a little at a time.
I have found a new way to try to stay thin,
a way that no one would ever expect from me.

As I look down at these pills,
I wonder once again why I am doing this.
As I swallow them one by one,
I suddenly feel very scared.
The taste of them is still in my mouth;
it makes me feel sick and weak.
I suddenly wonder what I have done,
and I wish I could go back in time.
I feel fine so maybe it didn't work,
maybe I will get lucky and nothing at all will happen.
But suddenly I collapse on the ground,
and I begin to panic and wonder if I'm really dying.
I try to stand but my legs are weak,
I just fall back down to the ground.
My eyes fill with tears of pain,
as I remember the last year of my life.
I remember when I first started feeling down,
and how I had talked to people who tried to help.
But I just wouldn't let them help me at all,
I just turned away not wanting to get better.
Now here I am on the ground shaking,
and no one knows what I've done.
How long will it be until this is over?
How long until someone finds me and I never wake again?

All this just goes to show,
that I am far from being a normal girl.
I still wonder what I did to deserve this pain?
Why couldn't death have just taken me then?
I am sometimes grateful that I woke up and lived,
but sometimes I still wish I had stayed asleep.
I guess I'm just not meant to die yet,
that is why I'm still alive.