Still cant let go

Some call me a bully and finally I realize it may be true
I bully my family
My friends
Even myself into doing things I really don't want to
I hate living like this, at times hate living at all but I'm too afraid to die
But inside of me I'm already dead
I'm cold like a puppet on a string
I rarely show my feelings especially not to my family
No one's aware of how many times I've cried my self to sleep at night
I don't even know who I am anymore,
I'm not a nice person unless there's a reason behind it
I try to be a funny person to over shadow the pain
But deep within me it still hurts the same.

I destroy my self further
As I keep the pain with in
I can feel the sorrow inside me, ripping me up
I know in my heart I'm ruining myself and everyone else around me
But it's the only way I know how to put up with the pain
And make it lessen a little bit for a little while
But it never truly goes away
I know I have friends and family
But theres no one I can really talk to
Tell them the truth, why I am the way I am
No one except God knows
And lord knows I have sinned, and I know it too
But I cant bring myself to stop
I'm killing myself slowly with all that I do
And theres no one who realizes
and truth is...i wanna stop all the madness and find a way through.

and i realise that
I still haven't let anyone in
I've still dodged speaking of the main sources of my pain
kept them caged deep into my soul,
now i know for sure their the painful, shameful secrets i still cant let go of...