I don't know why I do it. It just gives me an energy rush, it feels relieving. I don't know I'm doing it unitl it's done. It's like I zone out and can't control my actions. One second everythings as it should, then suddenly, blood is rushing down my wrist. There is no pain, there is no fear, nothing, but relief.
Everything was going fine, until my parents finally found what was going on in their youngest daughter's life. At first, my mother made me feel guilty by saying that she couldn't think of any other reason that I would be cutting myself, than me trying to punish her for something.
Explaining did nothing, for the words just wouldn't come to thought, whenever I would go to tell her, I would just burst out in tears. I wanted so badly to tell her I'm sorry, I don't mean to do it, I don't want to, I just feel there is no other way for me to feel happiness. I also want her to know that I want help; I don't want to feel this way. I don't like the feeling of desolation. I don't want to feel that there is no way out of all the pain in me life, I don't mean to hurt her, or anyone else for that matter, and all I want is for me to be happy and feel like I belong and that people really do love me and don't just say it because they have to.
When my parents found the journal in which I keep all me thoughts and poetry, they thought the had no other choice than to tell my counselor that their worries for me have grown to the worst, and they seek help for me. That moment caused me the greatest deal of scourge I had ever fell witness to. They gave me the choice of either getting the help I needed, or lie and say that all the suffering that I had shown was a cry for attention, just so they wouldn't have to send me away for a week or two, and for me to be in anguish.
That night when I got home I packed my bags to go to the Behavioral Health Center in Tyler Texas. That night, when I was lien in bed, I couldn't fall asleep. I had images of a funeral, with a open casket in the front of a room full of empty chairs, and only one person attended. I slowly approached the women in black, she was weeping. IT WAS ME! Looking down at an empty casket. When I awoke, I was so confused. What had this dream meant, did it mean that I was going to die sometime in the near future? What was going on?
Before heading off for Tyler we dropped my brother off at the Athens High School. The car ride seemed to take an eternity. The hole way there, I was thinking what was going to be like and what was going to happen upon arrival. My mother kept repeating that this wasn't a vacations, and I wasn't going to have fun or make friends. I was only going to get the help I need so I could return home.
