The only thing I'd say is rearrange your lines. One very long one can be broken up into two separate ones which can improve the flow greatly. The writing isn't bad, it's pretty decent, but you lose something with the length difference in lines. And I think if you tried organizing it a bit better, the message would be more powerful and stand out more.

Good luck with writing. Wish you the best.

I liked parts of this poem such as the way you used elipses to break up the pace and let some words linger.

Tip: watch out for some dodgy characters that have popped up in there.

And please endeavor to put up more of your work

:)

[lostlaureate - come find me]