New and improved???

Even as I'm about to write I'm causing myself pain,
And I know as i am sitting here it will never be the same,
The perfect world I lived in is now only a game,
One where I kid myself its real, sending myself insane,
But I do know the reality; I even have the scars,
Women are from Jupiter and men are from mars,
How can we be so different always playing our lil parts,
All you see is the end result dont you care about the start?
There are so many questions which you should and could ask,
It would help you understand this and help me remove my mask,
i dont want to be pretending or hiding and mostly i'm not
Around you its different- cant u look past what Im missing and see what Ive still got?
Its unfair of me to ask you to understand this when I still cant,
But I have to move on from this even if you shant,
I havent told anyone else yet, not even friends from school,
I have to hope theyll accept it, or at least act like they are cool,
I can only suppose that it they ring I will be able to talk,
Even if what Id rather do would be to shy away and baulk,
The problem is I care too much; Im scared of what theyll see,
When all I want them to see is I am still the same old me,
Im so much braver now in more ways than one,
At least I know who my real friends are, the ones who didnt run,
The way I see it is, everyone has a choice,
Its what you do with it that matters, which opinion that you voice,
This determines what kind of friend you are, at least in my eyes,
Its not about right or wrong its more like win or lose,
Although I cannot influence my friends whatever they will choose,
I just hope its not my pride they take, or my heart that they may bruise,
On the inside I feel stronger but still much the same,
I hope they will see that, to lose them would be a shame,
I am going to keep moving on now, what else can I do,
No one could see this coming, how many time have I been lucky-not to mention you,
I am never through with horses even if they think so; it was fate- if there is such a thing that won lifes great debate,
But I have had my cry now, there are no more tears- no more scream or shout,
So now I have to accept that it truly was my turn for luck to run out.
But as I travel quickly on this long and twisted road I know it would take so much more than this to really put me out.