June 17th.

June 17th 2003

Dear Diary,
I cannot stop, all I want to do is cry,
Everyone knows my mistake,
And stupid me chose to tell a lie,
But they know so well I was fake.
Tomorrow I must take my punishment,
How could have I been so dumb?
I knew what I was doing, not what it meant,
My body feels so weak and numb.
My parents know, I am banned from the phone
The internet and from going out,
I can not talk to anyone, I feel so alone,
My happiness feels so in doubt.
In that office I felt trapped and scared,
My insanity caught up to me,
They all looked at me, nobody cared,
I can't believe this is who I got to be.
I cannot stop shaking and I am crying,
I am feeling so lost and distressed,
This hurts me so bad I wish I was dying,
Seriously I think I am depressed.
- Sammi

June 17th 2004

Dear Diary,
I tried my hardest to kill myself today,
I cut fifteen cuts into my arm,
I did it because no pain has gone away
And I know I deserve even more harm.
I have lived in guilt since June last year,
I have been hurt and bullied every day,
I have spent each moment living in fear,
Believing every word that they say
Since last year I realised it was not all true,
That I was manipulated into this crime
And while he did this I had no clue,
But I realised the abuse in my own time.
I revealed the deception after pain took its toll
and though the truth was beautiful to say,
I know I still did everything, even under control,
So the guilt has never gone away.
I have struggled for strength and hope,
Anti-depressants changed nothing at all,
I have four counsellors, still I can't cope,
I never knew how hard I would fall.
I can't believe I let myself be manipulated,
I can't believe I took the blame,
Now I am here depressed and hated.
And he lives happily without any pain.
He has not changed; He's learnt no lesson,
He would probably do it all again,
And her I am, suffering severe depression,
Deep in regret and deep in pain.
-Sammi

June 17th 2005

Dear Diary,
I worried about today, I don't know why,
Since 2003 I have matured,
Nowadays there are fewer tears to cry,
Though I know depression is not cured.
I guess I was worried I'd think back 2 years
And try to kill myself again
But no not today, there were not even tears,
Not even a tiny speck of pain.
I had handed to me a little envelope,
The reasons why I did not understand,
I opened to find tickets of joy and hope,
I just stood and held them in my hand.
I was in shock for awhile then I started to scream,
I started phoning everyone,
I could not stop jumping; I had found my dream,
And in a very different way I felt numb.
For the first time in ages I felt bliss,
Looking at the tickets, I could not believe my eyes,
Two years ago I thought pain was all there is,
But today I was handed tickets to Visualise.
And I Visualise happiness and hope,
Something that once I could not see,
Because 2 years ago I could not cope,
But this June 17th I AM FREE!
-Sammi

28th January 2006