Something I Need To Say

I begin to bit my nail.
because i don't want to tell.
i don't want to show you or anyone.
that I'm actually hurting that.
that i actually do this.
I'll take pictures I'll bring them.
I'll show you i actually do.

i sometimes think no one does.
does what? care about me.
i know you do.
but those are just words.
also words can mean a lot to a person.

so these are my words to show.
to let you anyone know what is up.
I've cut several times in the last week.
I've told everyone not to do it.
it's not right.
but i do it to myself now.
worst then way before.

i do want to stop.
but i can't.
but i won't let myself.
every time i get out of the shower.
i wipe my legs and i see the scars.
i see the scratches that didn't heel.
and makes me wanna see blood.
so i get my razor.
and start cutting myself in the same spot.

i wait until i see little bit blood.
then i stop and not feeling sorry.
sorry for myself in fact.
i have realized i did hurt you.
but i can't help it.
i do know that i do have a problem.
not because you told me that i do.
i just never gotten help.
and i don't want to go somewhere to do so.
even though that might make me better.

i just want to be normal.
i want to be me again.
i want to have fun and not warring.
that if i get out of the shower.
before i put on my pj's or my day clothes.
that i won't do it at all.

today in gym i thought i was going to lose it.
i went into the stall and wondering.
i was trying to find something sharp.
i wanted to make myself bleed.
everyone was around.
but no one notice there was something wrong.

i wanted to make myself hurt.
even though it was hurting you.
i wanted to make myself bleed.
even though it would add another.

i hate doing this to myself.
but i do it anyway without a pause.
I'll sit there in the shower.
I'll pick up the razor.
not even thinking of what i am doing.
then I'll cut my leg over and over.

until i see blood.
but when i don't.
i get out of the shower.
wipe my leg off.
and pick up my razor start over again.

i don't sit there and cry.
i don't sit there and wonder why.
i just do it over and over.
until i see blood.
what if I'm like that forever?
what if i can't control this more?

what if i die tomorrow?
what would you even think of?
it's 7 pm and I'm taking a shower soon.
what if i don't come back?
what if i begin to cut once again.

the pain is bugging me.
all i do is cut.
all i think about is cut.
it's like love.
it's crazy let me tell you this.
you are my best friend.
always till my very end.

could be tonight.
could be tomorrow.
next year.
until I'm old age.

but no matter what i will try to stop.
no matter what i know it's hard.
i don't know what to do sometimes.
i just need you here with me.
i know you are but just mentally with your words.

yes they hardly help me.
but still i try to listen.
i want to stop seeing my scars.
the cuts on my leg.
for i can finally be OK.

i hate this part of the game.
i hate cutting i hate bleeding.
but that's all i need or want to see.
this is not me talking.
this is not the who i am.
this is my own vapor blood.

I'm scared for myself sometimes.
even though i don't show it.
even though i don't say it.
but now i am.
now i am telling you that i am.
i am afraid of doing this.
but i do it anyway.

I'm sorry for everything.
of scaring you.
but i am glad you are here for me.
this is crazy non-sense to me.
I'm cutting for no reason i don't think.
maybe i am, maybe I'm not.
i don't know.

hopefully I'll find me.
the real me inside of this mess.
before it's to late.
and have no chance of saying good bye.