Y i do it

I succeeded today. I did it. kept myself within my bounds. Didn't slip up. Didn't go overboard. I'm proud. I do this for so many reasons. I can't even put them into words. They're there, and I know what they are, but good god, I don't know how to say them, how to verbalize them. I do this as a punishment. A punishment for the sins I've committed. I do this as a reward. A reward for not giving in to the needs of the flesh. I do it to know I'm just a little bit better than the people who make my life hell and I have that much more control than them. I do it because I know I'm worse than them and their pretty faces. I do it because I deserve the pain. It should be known. I do it because I enjoy the feeling, no matter how sickly and morbid it is. I do it out of habit, it's been here for so long, the only friend I had in times of desperation. I do it out of defiance. To let them know they're wrong,a nd even though they control me, they can't control this. I do it out of unhappiness, I know I'm imperfect and it stresses me. I do it for happiness, the numbers drop and my euphoria heightens. I do it because of them. I do it because of me. I do it for more reasons than I can name, and less than I can explain.