Negative Thoughts And A Downwards Spiral

Thoughts I can't control,
Push through my negative mind,
I long to be free,
And leave myself behind.

I can't help but wonder,
If you would prefer,
Someone a little special,
Someone just like her.

I'd rather be anyone,
Than me-the girl I despise,
I always keep thinking,
What they say is lies.

These thoughts control my body,
And I can't seem to let them go,
And everyday I weaken,
As my self hate continues to grow.

I go by everyday,
As my worry consumes my wonder,
The loathing that I feel,
Is slowly dragging me under.

Every night I struggle,
As I try to go to sleep,
You're the last thing that I see,
Before I begin to weep.

My worst fear is that-
Sometime soon you'll see,
That you can do better,
So much better than me.

So maybe I'm just wrong,
Or somehow I am right,
But still this hate of me,
Is slowly fogging my sight.

This is pain in my chest,
Is ripping and tearing my heart,
I want to tell you what's wrong,
But I don't know where to start.

There's nothing left of me to love,
There's nothing I can feel,
All these harsh emotions,
Are feeling much to real.

Maybe I'm just jealous,
Or maybe my hearts too cold,
But I just don't see why,
It's my hand you want to hold.

I try to find a reason,
Of what you could see in me,
But it's gotten so much harder,
So hard it cannot be.

I'm blinded by my hurt,
And weakened by my tears,
Although I'm looking stronger,
I'm being consumed by all my fears.

I hate everything about me,
And everything I do,
I don't care about losing myself.
I just don't want to lose you.