Abandoned

Abandoned
Isn't as cruel a word as abused
but it's enough I think
I know you wanted a boy father
You really wanted Little League
Roughhousing and car mechanics
and that father-son talk at thirteen
Instead you got a girl
Who you had to taoss in the pool
Who hid in her room, in trees, in books
Who cringed at the idea of violence
Who had a hard time standing up for herself
I don't think that's why you don't come around
I know you called sometimes
But when mom would ask if I wanted to talk to you
it was me that said no
I didn't really belive you were ashamed of me
but I did then
especially since I was angry and wanted very much to be ashamed of you
I was bitter about the endless lack of money
about only seeing you when you decided to make an appearance
About the broken promises
You were gone for such a long time
that when you finally left for realy
It was almost a relief
and I spent years trying not to remember
anything good about you
So I wouldn't miss
what i couldn't have
and one day, out of the blue
you ask a friend about me,
and whether you should visit or not
Do you think it's convienent to visit?
Nevermind that it's been half my life
since the last time I saw you
Nevermind that I'm on my own
Now you want to play daddy
and I'm your little girl
You don't get that father
not after all the bitterness
not after figuring out that I had so many messed up relationships
and the reason being because I picked out people that ended up leaving me
not after spending years getting a backbone
and sense of my own worth
and learning how not to be a shy little girl
You certainly don't get to see my teenage years
You'll never know what it was like when I graduated from high school
when i started dating
when I got my driver's license
too late father
you take me as i am
or not at all
and since you never bothered to find out who i am,
and you still don't show much interest
I'll just assume that you don't want me after all
and you know what
I'm doing just fine without you
I finally found someone who wouldn't leave
I finally identified myself and am working to kill
that lingering fear of other people's fathers
It would be so much easier
and more understandable
to make up a story of abuse and neglect
though neglect isn't that far off
there is a father sized hole in my life
and it's been there for 19 years
so I've learned to build my life around it
but when i have a child of my own
don't expect to hear from me
i'm not going to want you there
you may not understand
you may never understand
it's the price you've already paid for
freedom and escape
You'll always be my father
but you'll never be my dad
that's what i get
for being
abandoned