Bleeding River

Every morning I woke up
and asked myself
Does he truly love me?
Is he for real?
Is there someway that I could prove my love?
Could I ever be happy with him again?
I always woke up to scars on my legs
Blood on the floor
And a needle in my hand
Pills piled on the sink in the bathroom
Cutting was the only way to get over it
If I didn't, thoughts of suicide came faster and faster every waking moment
The only sure thing I knew was he loved me
I tried so many times to clear my mind from the suicidal thoughts
I tried to stop myself from cutting and bringing pain to myself
But every time I tried, it only made it worse
It brought more pain and heartache
I was lost between a dream and a reality
I didn't know which way to turn
left or right, forward or backward
Didn't know which way was real and which wasn't
Always thoughts of suicide
Always thoughts of dieing
I tried to hang on
And tried to forget the bad and remember the good
Every time I tried
It turned me 2 steps in the other direction away from where you really were
I lost all sense of happiness
All sense of being found
I couldn't think clearly
The only thing I wanted to do was drink to get rid of the pain tangled up inside of me
Times happy, others depressed
I tried to commit suicide so many times
I lost count after 3
I lost everything
I didn't believe in myself
I couldn't go anywhere without something sharp to ease the pain
Poems of love was all I gave you
But yet secret poems were kept away from your eyes
I didn't want you to know I was hurting inside
That I was bleeding a river so long it never stopped.

(C)
Holly Hickman
2-27-06

~I know its long but please help me....comments, votes, advice. Anything would be great.......i don't know what to do. ill return the favor to u.~