I did it once as a way to feel better
But what I was really being was weak
I didn't know what else to do
I sat there for hours crying
Debating over whether or not to do it
Then I just let the knife slide over my wrist
It didn't hurt n at first it didn't bleed
Then as I sat there I saw marks of red form
I got scared but by then it was too late
I just kept going
Making more and more little cuts
Thin but nonetheless there
I cried the whole time thinking about everything
Everything that was wrong in my life
I did it to punish myself
For everything
For feeling the way I felt when I had no right
I have so much going for myself and it was a mistake
I should be happy.. I have so much more than I did
So much more to be happy and thankful for
But I can't say I haven't felt like doing it again
Its this odd feeling like I will get some sort of relief
By hurting myself physically I can stop hurting emotionally
Just that feeling like I need to punish myself
For everything I am doing wrong
For every stupid thing I say
And every lie I make up
For every time I wasn't there when I should have been
For every moment I felt like I wasn't worth it
Just taking it out on myself
After I did it I felt this odd sense of relief
Like everything was okay now
Until I had to go to school the next day and hide it
Act like it wasn't true.. I didn't do anything wrong
But it was a lot harder
People got suspicious... one person noticed
Someone who I didn't expect to
After that I told a few people
The people I am closest to
I saw that it hurt them to see what I did
So I promised id never do it again
Not being aware that I would end up not being able to hold back
Not being strong enough to stick by my word
I tried it again not long after that first time
But this time it was different
People knew.. I couldn't get that out of my head
The words ringing through my mind
Like an alarm to just wake up and stop it
Stop all the stupidity of what I was doing
But the urge was too strong and I tried it again
But this time was different.. I couldn't go til the end
So I stopped and cried a lot more
But in the end I felt like maybe I could control it
That feeling
Like I need to do something to just end all the pain
But by giving myself more pain to deal with
I realized it didn't help and it was a stupid thing
That started with one little cut.
