*this is a letter for a friend of mine who also has an account here...you know who you are.
There are some things that are better written than said. To me, it is easier to write them. If only you knew what I feel. Especially when you hurt me without noticing. I've never told you how I truly feel because I never think you'll take it seriously. And even now, I think the same thing.
I know I probably don't mean as much to you as other friends do. I know we're different in many ways. But that doesn't have to matter in the least when you truly care about someone. I feel like an invisible journal. Like I'm just there yet I'm not actually there. I am no one to judge and I'm not pointing out anything in a bad way, but you act different with different people. I can't tell you how many times I feel like a loser because I think that you might care at least a tiny bit as much as you cared for your ex-best friend.
I can't tell you the pain and how much it really hurts when I think that maybe there is something special there, yet something always has to bring me back to reality. There have been so many days when I try my best to help you, when I try really hard to help with every one of your problems, but it seems that I'm not good enough. Because you live for other people, when last year I lived because of you.
I can't tell you how hurtful it was when you told me "If it weren't for her, I would probably be dead", when in fact if it weren't for you I would have probably been dead too. If you think about it, it's true. I would have cut deeper into the veins if only I didn't care for you. I would have gotten a sharper knife, if it weren't for my fear of you doing the same thing. I truly cared, and I didn't want you to do that, which is why I stopped.
Yet you're STILL doing it. You're still trying to kill yourself and trying desperately. which is why I will say the following:
I can never be merely half as much of a friend as she once was to you, or any of your other friends are now. I can only just...exist. I can never stop cutting with hopes that you will to, because you will continue. I can never try to save you from taking harmful substances to the body, because no matter what, you won't listen to me. You'll do "whatever you feel like doing at the moment."
And to be honest, I can't take it anymore. I've tried for almost two long years, and it's time for me to quit. I'm not saying I won't talk to you anymore, but it won't be as much. I don't want to care too much, and then have my heart broken again. I don't want to try to help and then feel horrible because I just couldn't help. So I'm saying that I will stop now. I won't try to help you unless you really want me to. I won't care as much, because I know that somehow I'll end up getting hurt. I'll have a steel heart. Bye. Take care.
