This one is ok i like the other one better though great job keep it up!

In contrats - I prefer this one. It is more of a song, though it has real meaning within it - I especially like the beginning of the seconnd choruse - great work :)

Peace. [Sole]

There is a massive fluctuation in syllable count from line to line. I would be intrigued to learn how you intend to resolve this with the tune.

Interesting choice of word use and occasional rhyme though.

Bret