My Hate (to my mother)

I can't stand the way I think about you,
and probably always will.
You've screwed up portions of my life,
and now this hate I have toward you is enough to kill!

You pour into my dreams at night,
forcing me to relive memories I'd rather forget.
and yet I just lay there wondering
and I know I will never forget
i must not ever forget!

I must not forget the pain you brought into my life,
and the hurt and betrayal I felt.
I cannot forget the relationships you've screwed up
this was more than feeling like I was in a game of cards, not knowing what to expect
and still loosing with with every card delt.

This was more than the so-called love
you had for me
or my anger and fear inside
but with all of it boiled together
I, still, just wanted to run and hide.

I was no longer a little girl anymore
growing up too soon and experiencing more than needed
you confuse me, I don't understand
your sick and twisted mind
it's like you'd do it more, the more i pleaded

I'd cry my self to sleep at night
scared of what was to come
or how much further you'd push it this time
and wondering why this had ever begun.

So here i am now
years and years later
my life, better
my hate toward you, greater

My hate grows greater
with each day
knowing the sad punishment you got
my hate grows greater with each day
knowing i didn't truly win, trust me you will never be forgot

I need you to know, really
this truly is how i feel
my life was forever changed
my heart, now slowly, learning how to heal