Godess

by mike   Mar 11, 2006


The black locust trees are in full bloom.this time of year,so
we sat under those pink vanilla scented flowers.enjoying our selfs for hours.

with a little talking and a lot of gawking.
right from the start i knew she was no tart we sat slightly apart.

it was a beautiful night under that artificial light,she certainly was a sight.
conservatively dressed she even wore a vest,the kind they wear out west.

she has an angelical stare with yellow hair. of course her eyes are blue,so
symmetric so electric so absolutely photogenic,a Hellenic goddess,
i am not on any hallucinogenic,truly she is authentic

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  • 17 years ago

    by AinsleySara

    Heyy Heres an idea to improve... instead of rhyming everything make the words that you want to ryhm have a similar sound. if you get what i mean???? i dunno somthing i learned in a poetry class...and just keep writing a practicing... and number 2 dont ask people to comment on ur great work!!! its cocky and most people wont read it... if ur cocky people are disgusted or offeneded if you think you are better wirter then everyone else.. thats i all gotta say and if you write a poem and put it under a catagory make sure it has something to do with the catagory... ok
    ttyl
    luvz yeah
    mwah
    Ainz

  • 18 years ago

    by Danielle

    Yeah the same as the first you didnt say much on my poem and you rhyme too much you dont need to rhyme in everything its also how you say it like you have the person feel it and see it

  • 18 years ago

    by LiL K

    Ok, you left a comment on my poem, but you didn't say anything about my poem in your comment. All you said was "my comment is good, you need to read and comment on some of my fine work"...or something like that. Anyway, first off, I can tell that you're a beginner at writing poetry.

    "right from the start i knew she was no tart we sat slightly apart." .....?

    thats not a good choice of words...you're poem is supposed to be about love, but all i could do is laugh throughout the whole thing.

    "she has an angelical stare with yellow hair. of course her eyes are blue,so
    symmetric so electric so absolutely photogenic,a Hellenic goddess,
    i am not on any hallucinogenic,truly she is authentic"......

    This entire "stanza" doesn't really make any sense and there's too many internal rhymes. You need to focus on your rhythm and rhyme scheme.

    So work on that and then I'll check out some of your poems when they're worth reading. ......is that candy-coated?

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