Hey. This is the first poem I've read of yours, and personally, it didn't strike me as poetry at all. Please don't take this personally, in any way - as I do see that it has alot of potential to be great writing... Maybe you could re-word some stuff, to put some rhythm into it. Do you know what I mean? If not I'll be glad to help in any way I can, just send an email...
Though, now that that's said, don't think that you Have to change it. It's important that your poetry make You happy and nobody else - so it's always your call. I just thought I'd share my two cents. Good ideas though!!!