Now you lost someone new...

Hey..im glad that you are expressing your feelingz and your thoughtz...but yeah i did try so hard to get her back, and itz obviously gotta mean that she meanz the world to me and so much more...i could have given up easily, but i just couldnt...if i lost her...i would have lost a part of me...a part of my past...most of my past actually to be exact...and if your saying that i have to pick between my friendz..im sorry, but i cant do that...and i wasnt trying to lose you thru the process of gettin her back either...i just had to get her back, it was a must...i just had to do it...and i thought that you were there to back me up on it...but it seems like you dont want me to be friendz with her ne more...and i dont know why...itz kinda like how she was acting before, you both seem like you dont want me to be friendz with the other, but i said i cant do that, and that im goin to be friendz with both of you...and it tearz me up inside not being able to hang out with 2 of my best friendz at the same time...and yeah i take turnz in hanging out with both of you, but it ripz my mind apart cuz then the other one thinkz im ditching them...and i dont know what to do anymore...and yeah, everyone getz hurt in their life, but itz up to you to decide if they are worth all the pain, tears, and grief...and obviously if i still wanted to get steph back, she meanz a he ck of a lot to me...the whole world and so much more...and i try to make everybody happy, but look where this has left me...you know? it leaves me clueless of where to go next, what to do, or what to think...and knowing that you picked a guy over me, just kinda hurts ya know? and itz not necessarily hurting me...but it hurtz to watch you do this continuously and i dunno...i didnt want to set myself up to hurt me ...lotz of ppl are going to hurt me in my life time, so i figured im not gonna help them do it...and maybe thatz why i've kinda been not hanging out with you as much...it seemed as if you never even acknowledged me when we were hanging out and he was there too...and i found no point in me being there anywayz...but my wish wasnt to get her back and lose you, and you know that...i've had awesome times with you, sneaking out, gettin tatz, and drunk in times, you name it...we've probly done it...and a friend told me to look at my tat and remember all the times...and yeah i do, and i alwayz will...we had great times...and they were awesome...but if ur telling me to choose between friendz, i just cant bring myself to do it..in this world you need more friendz than enemies...and why be a hater when you can be a lover kinda thing? And when you tell me your confused, thatz all you tell me, and it just makes me confused too, then i dont know what to think anymore...and i tried to talk with you and figure thingz out, and we did talk...but then you started to question everything we talked about and what not, and it seemed like you had everything figured out...and sorted thru...but then you just tossed everything that we said out the door..and that kinda hurt, b/c i put so much effort into saying everything that i wanted to say, and i think i perty much did...but then you kinda just went back to him...and yeah itz ur life, i cant tell you what to do..but just remember that when you have hard times in life...who are you gonna turn to? and especially ask yourself that question if you've hurt all the ppl u loved and who were alwayz there for you in the past...i still care...and you know that, nothing will ever change that, yeah, i mite be mad at you at times, but it wont stop me from lovin you...that would be just stupid, but i dont know what to do anymore...i was so close to giving up and just saying fu ck it...and considering you were one of my best friendz, it was hard, and especially since i never give up on anything, it was kinda sad...but there was obviously a reason why i didnt do it...and thatz what leaves me here today with all these thingz in my head...i dont want ppl to rip me apart and to just leave me there, you know that i still love ya, but i dunno what else to say...did you just try to get it thru ur head that she was the only one important to me or what? cuz you know thatz not true either...and your not the only one who feelz like they dont know me anymore..i feel it too..but im becoming someone everyday, and yeah im going to change a long the way, everybody does...but am i worth it? thatz a question that only you can answer for yourself...no body else can answer it..and i know im not ever goin to agree on everything that you do, and ur not gonna agree on everything that i do...but it shouldnt stop us...everyone has fightz and some are bigger than otherz, but itz to see it, deal with it, and to go on...you know how hard it is when you lose a friend...letz hope it doesnt happen here...< 3
~Luv Alwayz Lanner