Hmm...if this was a story, I think it would be a lot better. If it was meant to be written as a poem, then I'd suggest trying a style where you can read the words in stanzas (verses). That's just my opinion. I did think that the emotion was good though. Also, try fixing grammar problems. For instance, the title. It should be 'I Am Dying On The Inside.' Not 'Iam Dieing On The Inside.' Keep it up. You'll get there. =) 4/5 xoxo

Samantha