It Could Be a Smile

Well, I suppose I will talk about each aspect individually.

Rhythm: I felt your rhythm was pretty much non-existent. The flow stopped after every line and I had to pick it up again at the start of each line which really took away a lot of enjoyment from me ,as the reader.

Rhyme: You're rhyme seemed very forced through out. It seemed like you were writing the first two lines with a certain meeting and then the second two lines of every stanza not to continue the message or relay a new theme but to make a line that rhymes it's antecedent.
Examples:
"Why do I self-harm?
Are you worth it?
'Coz for me its a charm
I wont deny it"

The second two lines don't really answer the both the questions just semi the first one. Also, you shouldn't have structured it that way where you asked two questions and then answered the first one, it's another flow/rhythm breaker.

Imagery: You're imagery for the most part was rather generic but you placed each one well throughout the poem maintaining the reader's interest.

Best line:
"You say Im a stranger
You say Ive changed
I feel Im in danger
Of becoming deranged"

This stanza was by far the most poetically sound of all others. This is stanza is void of all the critiques I stated above.

Over view:
Things I liked: Message, emotion, imagery
Things I didn't like: Flow, rhyme

Thank you for sharing.
-Alex

I think this was very.. choppy, I guess. Do you know what I mean? I was reading it and it just didn't flow right. Your lines felt forced [they were really awkward and it seemed like you just wrote the line around that one word that you needed to rhyme, instead of just writing from your heart.]

I thought it was very blunt. You didn't really let the reader interpret the poem, how they want to. You just come right out and say it instead of describing things [feelings, things, what happened, etc.]

If you put more punctuation in your sentences I think it would help the flow a lot, because right now you have to guess where to pause. Also, the "Im's" need to be "I'm" same thing with all the other words that are suppose to have apostrophes.

I did like the questions you put in it. They make the reader think just a little, trying to answer them. I could tell you worked really hard on this, but maybe it was just a little too hard. Just let your words and emotions flow.

But my path aint straight

^^ Ahh, you used the word "ain't" >.< I think you should change it to "isn't". "Ain't" always makes me think "redneck". o.o Haha, even though I am one. >.> You should always use proper grammar in a poem.

I'm really sorry if this was too harsh. >.< I just want to help. I hope this does help. Remember everything I said was just suggestions, if you don't like them, then keep the poem how you want it, because this is [your] poem and no one elses.

Keep writing!
Cayce

Nice poem . i really liked it & i can definately relate .. good job

Nice work mez, like it, beautifully written, yea, it could b a smile, so from now on...smile like u never did...or maybe u already did...=)

I really like this poem, it is so great and full of emotion and a clear message that can be understand so easily. great work and this poem really touched me
I give you 5/5 for it cause it really deserve it.