Cancer?

I've tried suicide, self harm, the rest
But now I might be dying and it scares me to death
Is there something inside of me killing each day?
Well I'm on to you, bastard, and you're not taking my life, no way
Is it the 'big C' word thats taking my life?
I think of how ungrateful i am with every slice of my knife
I wish I didn't have symptoms, wish I didn't feel these things
But now I've got to go for tests and I'm scared of what they'll bring
The fear is deep inside me, fear for loss of choice
People tell me to be calm, it'll be fine, but it all just sounds like noise
I want to be alive so that I can die when I choose
But if the cancer tests are positive its my f**king life I lose

*This was a few weeks ago, the tests have come back clear, I'm ok, which is a relief! Thanks for reading.xx