I was scared, left alone, so isolated and fear gripped me so tight, that I thought I would suffocate. I couldn’t remember a time in my life when I had felt so rejected so confused, as though I were chewed up and spit out. My room was dark that morning for I hadn’t drawn the curtains back to let in the light of day. I scarcely remembered what happened the night before. As I lay on my bed I tried to back track in my mind the events of my evening. It was probably similar to the ones previous to this. A party where I would drink myself into oblivion, until I would no longer no where I was, how I got there, or how I got home. I hadn’t any friends, at least not any that I could call friend in the truest since. Sure, I had the friends who would bring me to the party scene and help me get drunk, but no one that I could truly call friend. I had given up that part of my life in exchange for what I thought was a better way to live, my way. As I laid there in the dark I remembered something that someone once shared with me at a bus stop. I remember how I brushed her off, how I didn’t care to hear any of the information she tried so desperately to share with me. I could see that she was sincere, and that in itself scared me to death. I tried to act tough as though I had it all together, but inside, I was falling apart. I acted as though I weren’t really listening glancing her way periodically, but not really giving her my full attention. But now, as I laid here all alone, in my prison of self, I started recalling the words that she shared with me. She asked if I knew Jesus and his love for me. If I knew that He died for me on the cross. I looked at her with disgust and rolled my eyes in my head as she shared that He died so we could live. “It says in John 3:16”, she continued, “that God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life.”I looked at her confused and perplexed. Eternal life? Death of God’s son? What did all of that mean? She shared many other details, but something from that conversation stuck out to me. It was lodged in my brain no matter how hard I tried to put it out of mind, it always leaked its way into my thoughts. She said that God was a comfort to those who are in pain and are hurting. She said that he would never leave me or forsake me. She also said that He was a light in the darkest of times. How I longed for someone to comfort me, to really be there and comfort me. To love me for who I am and not for who others expected me to be. I wanted this light she spoke of to illuminate my dark and lonely world. Then it hit me, the last thing she said to me. All I had to do was pray and ask God for forgiveness, and for guidance and direction. She said that prayer was a doorway to God and whenever he heard prayer He listened intently to the request being made. It simply was a conversation with God. “How hard can it be I thought to myself?” I got down off the bed and knelt down beside it. I thought for a moment in the silence not knowing what to say or how to say it. “God, I hope you can hear me. I don’t even know what to say except that I am hurting. I am afraid, afraid to keep living the life I have trapped myself in. I want out! I need change. I need love and acceptance. I can’t take the loneliness that envelops me day in and day out as I try to find relief in my drinking and partying. Please God if you are real, hear my words, my cries, my plea and fill me up with your goodness. Take over my life God. Amen. I lay there sobbing, my head buried in my arms when I felt the warmth on my back. I got up from the floor and walked over to my curtains where I could feel the the sun piercing thru the fabric. I pulled open the curtains and beheld the most beautiful sunrise I had ever witnessed. Immediately the sun illuminated my dark room as light spilled into every corner of it. I was completely aware at that moment that this is what she was talking about that day at the bus stop. His light was replacing my darkness at this very moment and just like the room…I too was being filled up with the son, the Son of God, Jesus who just spilled into every corner of being. I felt my burden lift and my countenance brighten as I stood at the window, admiring the light that God had brought for me that dark and lonely morning, when I said yes to Him.
