Spring is to break as run is to crack

Steak for dinner. i'll eat it to be cordial but i am staring down. no cooperation in the sugarcoating department. the past few days have not been OK, and i know you know things are not resolved. but you are in a better mood. probably because things, once again, are going your way. had to throw a fit to whip things into line. she never sees it that way because, like she says to dad, 'you are in denial.' anyways, for me to be social here only demonstrates how your expectations are absurd. my absence is wished only by myself. conversation is petty, unfortunately aimed at me. probably because I leave for school again in the morning. the small talk is forced, as small talk always is. my mom asks those hypothetical questions, the ones the ex boyfriend would ask that would sink you a thousand miles below the surface. my dad asks questions whose answers are as apparent as the steak on his plate. meanwhile they can't see the smoke from their attack on dreams and hopes. they know i'm disappointed, but i know she is oblivious to my devastation. i want to think she is happy about it. Unique is this: they are protecting me but it feels the opposite. yes, i know, i know. i'm not making teenager claims of being misunderstood or the black sheep. yet sometimes there is a curiousness about wanting to see things for ourselves. to learn by doing.

part of me realized i want to let their words hurt me. isn't that odd? i feel like i am in denial if i try to be tough and repel the destruction. yet at the same time, i am supposed to be tough in my career because of the recording industry's brutal nature. but tears feel amazing, and i think about the act of crying when i am, well, crying. maybe as amazing as lying on my back in a black sea field. but what are the chances of knowing what that feels like. but i don't expect them to know the weight of my own passions.

eavesdropping is a trap for judgment. very revealing though. sometimes i feel it is the best way i can get to know my parents. my mom thinks i am backslidden. she wants out of the family, she thinks we are all ungodly. this is laughable, and my eyes widen, comic unbelief. the word hypocritical immediately comes to mind. but i am sure everyone thinks they are right in their own mind, at least to a certain extent. even if we admit we are wrong in some way and make our errors, (we have to interject the "i am not perfect" so we don't sound arrogant) our perspective changes as fast as the ice freezes in summer. we all don't understand the other in some way. but what i do ask is, do you want to make the effort of putting my shoes on and i'll put on yours? probably too busy sucking our own wounds. bind the identical sides of magnets together and you have represented the state of this household.

perhaps i am no different than a rebellious teenager. i do wish a generic "run away" solution. very often actually. of course such behavior is usually accompanied by rashness. but my word is torn apart, and the cycle has come round once again. what can i say. i am stuck? by myself, by them. this is only part of the fall, that broke the vase of perfection.

haha.