Leukemia

I'm drowsy from the drugs I'm on
As my breaths are slow but deep.
I'm not sure what it is I'm holding onto
But I'm so desperate to fall asleep.

A voice inside my head is screaming
Beyond closed eyes, I hear you crying
Air is pumped inside these useless lungs,
Logic tells me there's no use in trying.

I'm tucked inside pure white sheets
There's an IV inside my vein
I'm so numb to what is going on
And so oblivious to the pain.

Is this really how dying feels?
I wonder to myself in quiet
A notion of helplessness suppresses me
While my heart is screaming "fight it!"

For some reason that I can't explain
My insides are fighting myself to the death
I'm clinging to a fading thought of life
And I'm rapidly losing my breath.

Someone please, I beg of you,
Please tell my mom to stop crying.
Though hope is fading, I'm holding on,
Please tell her that I'm trying!

Bruises cover every inch of ashen skin
And my life hangs by a frayed rope
My eyes are shut to concentrate on the prize
In this life, there's always hope.

There seem to be so many things
That I haven't begun to comprehend
Like why are people choosing to die
When I'm reluctantly falling to my end.

I want to see a rainbow in the light
Chase after the end for the pot of gold,
Want to finally feel the flame of love
And watch my grandchildren grow old.

Yet, my dreams are just that, they're dreams
And though I'll never understand.
A wise friend of mine, I'll never forget
Once told me that God has a plan.

Though I doubt she thought to consider
Nor imagine me in a hospital bed,
The feeling of her desperation,
Nor the lack of golden hair on my head.

But I'm holding onto something,
Searching within myself for strength
Ignoring the sobs that cloud my head
Or that my life's rope has short length.

Perhaps I'll make it through this
Without ever losing myself in crying.
Know that life is worth that much more
When you decide to keep on trying.

My eyes are clamped tight in despair
And I'm repressing all my fears
My head is under intense pressure
As I'm also fighting back tears.

My heart hammers inside my head
My lips ache to ask for help
I'm trapped inside a nightmare
And my worst enemy is myself.

"Mom?" I call with uncertainty
Then feel the brush of her eager hand
"I'm here, baby." I hear a tear shatter
She's feeling as hopeless as I am.

"I love you" is not enough to say
"I'm sorry" doesn't begin to explain
How I wish I never put her through this,
Wish we didn't share the pain.

Fact is that I'm not afraid of death
Nor the pain I claim as mine
For everyone will feel it someday,
But my one true fear is time.

And time was slipping away from me
The warmth in my skin began to flush.
I opened my eyes for the first time
And spoke as if in a rush.

"Mom, I see the tears I'm causing you
And I can see your hands are shaking.
And although I cannot see your heart,
I can feel your purpose breaking.

And I'm sorry that you're losing faith
But I hope that one day you understand
That just like you had said to me before,
Our good lord has a plan."

-Dedicated both to my friend who died from Leukemia in the 4th grade, and also to my newest best friend who also has cancer. I am trying my best to have faith even though I have to fight to keep it alive. But I\'ve learned that everything worthwhile in life is often earned.-