I don't understand this feeling of loss
this empty abyss in the pit of my stomach
this yearning for something that i know i can't have
this sense of loss when nothing tangible has been lost except for my appearance and presence.
I can't decipher the meaning of my existence
or fathom why
or comprehend the reasons why i do the things i do.
How is it that a human mind can continually do things that are against the owners wishes?
How is it that a person is never fully capable to follow and act upon the whims of their heart?
How is it that a heart can never be large enough to hold everything that you hold dear, and work along with your brain so that your actions that have been based upon emotions, come out somewhat positive?
I don't understand why i am who i am. I don't understand why i am who I am, without being the person that I thought I was, when all along I could have been someone else, while trying to be me. Am I still the person I was?
Am I still the person I want to be?
Was I ever the person I want to be?
Will I ever be able to be the person I want to be?
Will Have I ever been the person I want to be?
Will I ever be me?
Will I ever be me.
The me that is spunky and careless to insults. The colorful and fun me. The kind and generous me. The me that cares so deeply for people, that sometimes the emotions on the outside do not mirror those feelings. The me that lives not for me, but for my friends, and for those others that I love with all my heart.
Will I ever be me.
The me that is honest even to their hovering too protective and paranoid perfectionist loving mother. The me that has the patience to withstand the abuse i receive from my brother, and his love that never comes out the way he wants it to for anyone, and who no one understands. The me that can help all the people I can, to do the world a benefit.
Will I ever be me.
The me who wants to know more about lives long gone, and only left in museums and history books. The me who is horrible at math, but strong in English, reading, and social studies and anything for the arts. The me who has an undying love for those that I love, and the art and beauty found in every human being, whether it be in their appearance, their personality, or their heart.
Will I ever discover these hidden worlds deep within me, that are bursting with anticipation for what is to come and what has long past?
Will there ever be a day, in which i can finally understand myself, and then have the ability to try and understand this world around me?
