Perhaps I'm Not So Alone

Waking to the sound of machines
Bleeps echo through my head
God is this ever going to end?!
Waking again in a hospital bed

This ward is all too familiar
As is the nurse across the hall
The fresh needle mark feels stale somehow
Like the white paint upon the walls

I close my eyes to resemble my heart
As the light seeps into my eyes
The pain strikes again with the memories
Unspoken words and silent sighs

Failed. Another attempt to escape
This impermeable waking hell
Of which there seems to be no end
Nor beginning from what I can tell

My body refuses to respond to my head
Everything's become detached, broken
I feel my body sinking into the bed
Every muscle aching from exhaustion

Flickers of last night begin to play
The images stuck on a cruel repeat
As my mind tries to fit the pieces together
Trying to find the logic I so seek

Darkness. The musty smell of breakfast
Filters through the heavy air
And I feel sick to the stomach from all this mendacity
It's all too much to bear

The light cascades across the corridor
Trapped, bouncing from wall to wall
Somehow I relate, as I'm wheeled across the floor
Still slumped in this silent fall.

Down the hallway, past the rows of beds
Leading to the room with the questions
And the leading questions I know so well
I prepare again to make a good impression

But there's a difference this time around
I feel my mask cracking, my smile slipping
Trying to avoid the psychiatrist's stare
My head starts pounding, my hands gripping

And somehow her stare penetrates
I feel her looking past the pretence
But the truth is just too risky to handle
And I'm still putting up my defence

And it must still be good enough
Despite talk of re-admitting me, I'm allowed back home
Still, she saw more than the rest, and I start to think
Perhaps, perhaps I'm not so alone