I stared out foggy glass at dirty snow and iced roads
And waited for your return.
I watched skies clear from a basement window
Locked inside a dingy room
With only a lonely, queen sized bed
To fill the empty floor space
[and the space inside my heart.]
I heard traffic pass
And I knew that people were getting on with their lives
As I saw the light come and go through shut blinds
And closed eyelids.
I listened to sad songs
and whispered to you as I gasped for air between sobs;
Somewhere between the stages of caring too much
And indifference
I counted the dots on my ceiling
And watched the red digital numbers slowly count the hours
That I remained alone.
I left stains on the carpeted floor
With tears
And blood
And depression
And hopelessness.
I dialed your number in the early hours of the darkest mornings
After the longest nights
And I hung up before I could hear your voice on the line.
I wrote words to poems and stories and songs
And cried when I remembered you'd never read them.
I was sick and I was empty
Lying in that bed with all the lights on
To try and guide you back home so you could take care of me
And make me well again.
I was alone and I was frightened
And each change in the weather brought a new sense
Of fear and abandonment
And I lost track of the seasons for awhile.
I lied to myself and said that I was okay
As I sat in the dark with your picture in my hand
And the sun coming over the horizon.
I saw the grass begin to grow outside my window
And I felt a smile creep upon my face
Because I thought
You would be coming home now that the world was alive again.
And I was let down
And decieved when your call never came
And I didn't hear your car pull back into the drive.
I saw midnight through blurry eyes
And there was silence where there used to be laughter
Or sobbing
And I couldn't even make a sound.
I lost my voice
And I lost my heart
And I lost my soul
And I lost you.
The color in my face drained
And I had no energy
And I couldn't crawl out of that empty bed in the morning.
I stared out dirty, dew covered glass
And learned not to care and learned not to feel.
From this basement window
I studied the world I use to live in and I imitated their actions.
I taught myself to smile and laugh
And I tore myself out of the too-big bed
And the dingy room
And out into the sunshine you used to love so much.
And I became part of the people getting on with their lives
And I tried to forget how much I missed you
And how much I needed you.
I began to get physically sick
And mentally unwell
And I forgot how to connect with people
And I stopped functioning properly.
And I lost my best friend
And I screwed up again
And I found sympathy
In criss-crossing lines across my weak arms.
I forgot to eat
And I forgot to sleep
And I tried not to think
And I remembered that I didn't feel a thing.
I fought for things I didn't believe in
And I faked a smile for people who didn't mean a thing.
And then I saw you and I pretended that it was normal
And that our goodbye really meant
That you were never coming back.
But I found that familiar spot in that familiar bed
And I began to feel; I began to feel deserted and disregarded.
And I lost my sense of home
And the room shrunk
And the empty space inside of me grew to such a size
That it can only be filled by you.
The lack of noise in my life became deafening.
And now I stare out this dirty glass
And I feel as if I'm not even alive at all.
And I want to blame it all on you
But I know that you don't miss me
And I must have done something to push you away.
Summer's approaching and I'm scared of the sunlight
I'm scared of not seeing you in my life anymore.
This is the final new season I will face without you
And I'm going to clean this basement window
And fake a smile for your ghost;
I will tell myself I don't miss you and when I see you again
You still won't know
And all the words in the world won't be enough to save me.
It isn't comforting to write down the truth
And know that I still can't tell you how I'm dying;
Or at least I wish I were.
