Secretly

Secretly I wonder
Why are we still friends?
Why do you feel like family?
Why did our love have to end?

I seem to have missed a year
Of our young and fragile lives
I loved you, and you loved me
I wanted to get married and be your wife

I feel like your sister
And also a best friend
The big brother I never had
A rare person I've met, so sensitive

Secretly I look
At all of your words and notes
I have this feeling in my entire body
What it is, I do not know

I don't blush, but I feel lovesick
Yet, I don't want to be with you
"What am I saying?" I tell myself
We both know that isn't true

Next year you'll be in high school
And in two years, I will be too
If I had to, I'd travel the world
Just to talk to you

Secretly, I want to decide
Am I yours, or are you mine?
One of my closest friends in life
You're always by my side

I want you to be my friend
But I want you to only be mine
I get jealous of who you've been with
But your comfort soothes me inside
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He knows who he is, but I don't think I'll ever have the courage to show him this for a couple years. I miss him, but I don't want to love him in a bf-gf way. I want him for my friend, but I want him to be mine. It's so confusing.