Comments : You

  • 18 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    I really like the twist at the end of this poem

  • 18 years ago

    by Dre4meR

    Indeed it's a lovely poem...i also like the twist at the end...

  • 18 years ago

    by BlueEyedMystery

    I thought it was good. The ending really suprised me, I wasn't expecting that at all. You have some places where it doesn't really flow that well, but over all I thought you did a great job.

  • 18 years ago

    by Sean Allen

    I think this poem would be greatly improved if you used one of the following, or both:
    -More detailed descriptions
    -Poetic tools and language

    Throw in some similes, some metaphors, a few symbols. Use more complicated words, don't always say what you mean straight out. Show the reader how this person treats you, don't just tell it to them straight. Describe what he says, describe the situation where he was there, describe your scratches, real or metaphorical.

    And I thought the ending was too abrupt. The twist was interesting, but the syllable count was too low and it was too blatant and unpoetic.

    This was fair poem, but if it was fixed up with some of the things that make poetry great, it'd get a lot better.

  • 18 years ago

    by ET

    I love this one too. Its close to one I wrote. The ending didn't sursprise me too much because I know that scene too well myself.

  • 18 years ago

    by SilenceBreaksTheHeart

    I enjoyed this one...I can relate.