A Football Prayer

O God, we beg Thee in Thy ineffable wisdom
To bring down terror into the hearts of Ingerland\'s footballers;
Smite them low, O Great God, let them trip
And snap their puny metatarsals for evermore.

And make Thy countenance to grimace horribly on the fans,
Let them quake and whine in fear in the beer-sodden bars
As Thy Almighty power ensures another goal
Goes flying to the Ingerland net from a happy foreign toe.

And may the Hand of God come down and deflect Ingerland\'s every ball
From ever finding its way between the enemy posts,
And we beg Thee, o Lord, may Rooney\'s foot never heal
And may the tears of the fans roll down their cheeks.

Lastly, but not leastly, O Lord, we beg that thy Germans
May triumph and that thy unworthy servants, the white-and-red
Bedecked Ingerland fans, may froth at the mouth in frustration
As their pathetic dreams mount up into fifty years or more of failure.

We thank Thee O Lord for listening to our pleas in advance
And for making Beckham\'s voice extra squeaky and naff.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy 3 Lions T-Shirt
And the flapping flags on all those white vans, Amen.