Comments : Hazy Nights

  • 18 years ago

    by Drew Gold

    I like it, but it seems a little obscure. my guess is that it's about a night, or a memory, in a relationship where one feigns affection; the other one ignorant of this fact.

    hazy definitely is an apt titleword for this piece. maybe try using more concrete images and examples; i can't put my finger on what exactly i think this might need to stick out more, so to speak.

    first off, i'd suggest not ending every line with a comma. it just seems to me that it hints that every end line is a full stop, and it isnt. I think i'll just do a whole revision of it, and you do whatcha do with my advice.

    Hazy nights, fire warmed
    [comma isn't necessary]

    Rain is tapping patterns on the window,

    [I'd remove patterns, because you later give example of the image, and 'patterns' is kind of jarring/redundant.]

    Trickles of happiness
    Filter the lies, and deception,
    [I'd remove the first lines comma, as it uses the linebreak to bring the sentence to the next line. Also, I'd change 'and deception' to 'the deception', and then add a ';' after it, to give a longer stop and augment flow.]

    Ecstasy of unknowing,
    Traipse and cloak,
    [I'd remove the comma after cloak]

    In this alternate reality;
    This champagne coma—
    Bottled love in the form
    Of ignorance.

    [pretty self explanatory edit of grammar]

    Sweet, sweet, bliss,
    Of this euphoric
    [And] forgotten concept of thought,
    Erotic in its inimitability—

    Smuggled endorphins,
    Stashed and forged:
    False happiness
    In ignorances game,
    The delight in counterfeit joy,
    Overhangs the balance of reality.
    [I'd add a period to give the next lines more emphasis.]
    Addicted to a fiction,
    Immersed in your world. . .

    there it is.. hopefully it wasnt too jumbled.. lata

  • 18 years ago

    by Drew Gold

    By the way .. the — 's is actually the M-dash, but wouldnt show up. you can also use '--' as an equivalent

  • 18 years ago

    by Drew Gold

    Sweet! I like the revision a lot more!