Wondering

The music's playing again and I'm shaking
As I sit down in the shadows to write
My head's racing today, so full of memories today
And this all feels like one endless fight

I try so hard to spell out my thoughts on paper
But I find even I don't understand why
Months later, on these nights when I lay down to sleep
There's still this part of me that aches to die

My mind revisits this year, January almost sectioned
A month on an acute psychiatric ward
February released, back home struggling in pain
6 more months with intensive support

Still, my mind is racing and nothing makes sense
Out come the diaries and unspoken words
10 I'm crying, 14 in pain, 16 I'm dying
And I keep on wondering why nobody heard

Too many reasons remain for a full explanation
So many thoughts and I've nothing to say
The memories of him keep on lingering
And I keep on wondering if they'll ever go away

Too many years spent crying out from shame
So many nights wishing for it all to end
Yet still the pain comes and knocks me down
And I keep on wondering if I'll ever fully mend

The shadows cascade as my pen comes to a stop
I don't want to live my life with this pain.
So many questions remain with so few answers
The tears are falling; the music's playing again.