The Real Me.

I portray myself as happy,
But only few see the real me.
I hide behind a smile that cries,
Wanting the pain to leave so I can be free.

I cry myself to sleep at night,
Sometimes with no reason why.
Horrible memories float back into sight,
Causing me to scream and cry.

I have a brother who scares me so much,
He has an "attack" and tries to kill himself.
He apologizes to so many others,
But it's always me who lumps the hurt without a sorry from his mouth.

I hide behind my smile of tears,
Because the real me isn't worth seeing.
The real me is full of fears,
The real me has no meaning.

The real me doesn't understand her mother,
And the real me is afraid of her father.
The real me has two brothers and a baby on the way,
And the real me doesn't want to leave but she doesn't want to stay.

The real me is scared of the scars on her wrists,
And the real me is sick of life's twists.
The real me can only cry and cut,
And the real me tries so hard to stop.

I bury my pain deep inside,
Because I don't want to hurt anyone.
I try to hide my emotions,
But my bundle of pain manages to come undone.

I smile for everyone to see,
But deep inside this smile is hurting me.
I hold my tears back from prying eyes,
While my heart has words it quietly cries.

I tell myself this is not how I want to be,
But I continue to cry.
I try to ignore the sadness that's me,
But I start to hurt and ask myself why.

I would love to have a real smile upon my face,
Showing the world has not beaten me yet.
I would love my laughter to sing at a happy pace,
Showing that my happiness has been reset.

I would love to have my eyes dance with shinning life again,
Because this would show I have no more tears to cry.
I would love to laugh the night away,
Because this would mean I'm on my natural high.

But that will all have to wait,
For the real me can only ache.
One day that will be my fate,
But for now the best of this I will have to make.