A secret I can't share

I can't take much more
It's killing me inside
Every day I lay in room
Just to hide

I'm afraid if someone sees me
They'll see straight through my disguise
They'll see pass the smile
And straight through all of my lies

I don't want anyone to know
About that dreadful night
The one that keeps me awake
Until I can no longer fight

If anyone found out
They'd hate me for sure
How could I let myself
Become such a who*re

I know it was my fault
And I feel so ashamed
And I know that there is no one
But myself to blame

I shouldn't have gotten so drunk
And I shouldn't have passed out in the tent
I should of fought harder
And made sure he knew no is what i meant

But I can't tell anyone
Because I know what they'll say
So I'm sitting in my alone
Again Today

Writing about the night
Thats going to kill me
If not from the not eating and sleeping
From causing me insanity

Everything is so confusing
It seems like everything lost it's meaning
Even the razor lost it's
Comforting gleaming

I'm so lost
And so confused
And I'm left here broken
And so used

*yeah still working on these poems.. it's been another bad night trying to deal with this**