The story the poem tells is a very good one. I like the premise and the way you expressed yourself here.

I think you can definitely make this better by paying attention to meter, syllable count and flow.

There are a couple of lines that interrupt the flow and could be ammended very easily by changing a word here or there.

So in closing, great effort, see if you can make it really flow by reading it aloud and re-writing the areas that feel over written or incomplete.

Bret

VERY NICE YOU ARE A GOOD WRITER KEEP IT UP

Your poem has a openness that i think anyone would find hard not to understand, your poem flows in an elegant and coherent manner and

Wow, i thought this poem was great ,i mean u better whatch out or ur gonna become a famous poet one day ....

Very good indeed.
Live will bless us all, for the blood in us are here forever

Wow that was deep i really loved it! keep it up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5/5

screamin

Great poem. Sad.. Mmhm. I liked it
5/5

I thought it was great at first it was borring but it got better and better

I thought it was great at first it was borring but it got better and better

I thought it was great at first it was borring but it got better and better

Its good.... 5/5 i wish i culd write this good.. keep it up

Wow this ones good to u should always keep writing i really mean that!

Your the best writer i have come across..
great stuff and dont stop....

Wow.. that was amazing.. you wrote it so well.. just reading this took me into another world, you are a great poet, and i wish that you would keep writting, you deffinalty got talent.. Best wishes..
Kirsty xXx

That was bloody brilliant! So wonderful, so mystical and such a lovely twist at the end

I loved it, your a very talented writter. Keep it up :)
5/5 deffinetly!

Wow this poem is really good..soo much meaning and truth to it...keep up with writting have fun...please comment and rate my poems..thanks...~DARK~

Thts really gr8 work... i really feel so gr8 during rreading it. gd wrk take care

Very gd wrk. forget to say chk my poems