Much better than your first ones, it shows great improvement, it sucked me in more,

but... it needed some better flow, some parts where there were commas it needed to be a break, also, some spots needed commas.

also, the language could use more improvement, but you're getting there.

finally- i have to say i did not like the ending, it just wasn't powerful, at all.

with some work this could be a kiss ack(lol) poem.

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