The Beginning. [ Part One ]

Starting from the beginning, the early months. During the early months of 2005 I seemed to have pinned myself in some awkward positions. I dont know how and I dont know why, but I became something I didnt want to be. I became a beast, not a beast in my appearance, only a beast within my own mind, which was reflected into my personality, I was simply a walking mirror in some sense. I was this mirror which copied everything around myself, wanting to hide beneath a fake identity, there was a possibility of myself breaking at any minute.

My habits during those months made me a walking time bomb, blow at anytime. People feared me, I feared myself. My habits included severe binge drinking, increase in drug activity, finally body mutilation. I treated my body as if I were a waste ground. Disposing of alcoholic based drinks within my young and developing liver each night. My arms were carving boards where I could display my artwork. I was lost, lost within my own fear. I was trapped in a continual maze, every time I thought I saw an escape to normality, an obstacle of some distorted shape would block my presence. I was simply forced back into the black world of loneliness, fear and confusion.

February 10th 2005, this finally came to an end. I found my long awaited exit to the world of sanity, my depart form depression meant I could become the girl I had been begging to become. I was free because I found myself, I was the exit, only I could find the way, no one else could as they couldnt see the dark ally ways and corners within my cold and disturbed mind. When I escaped it was as if I was ripping through a giant black bag, I felt the warmth of the sun slap my nocturnal body, my eyes stung from the amount of energy trying to penetrating them. Colours everywhere, blues, greens, reds, yellows, the world seemed like a gigantic rainbow flapping constantly in the wind.

The smells, the smell of freshly cut grass stung my sinuses, so many smells to describe at once, even the smell of the polluted air from which man caused in his moment of stupidity seemed sweet. Everything around me was beautiful, it were as if I had been reborn. The overwhelming experience of it all impacted me so gratefully, I eventually released all emotions, in the form of priceless tears.

This was the beginning of a new life, as I had been reborn, it was as if I had been given a second chance, not from god, but from myself, I knew I had a purpose in life, therefore, I could not loose to the power of confusion. the world I had been re-born was not like my previous world, there were different rules to be obeyed, different people to socialise with, this was a whole new game.

This was no longer traditional scrabble, which I had been forced to play for years due to my obese mother and manipulative stepfather. I was now playing a game where I was the winner, no longer a looser, I had the dice and was in control on where I should move next.

As the months dragged on, Rosie Garner changed physically as well as mentally. I changed in levels of maturity as well, I was becoming a young adult you could say. My appearance changed rapidly, I became taller, slimmer, sheared my hair off also a bit more colour to the skin, as I had experienced a nocturnal lifestyle before hand. I managed to get away from my baggy clothes, which made me look as if I were a circus tent, they were doing me no favours, and they only seemed to make situations worst.

It were as if I was a caterpillar, small and fat, crawling on my underside to seek salvation. Then I developed my cocoon, strong and safe where no one could attack me, I was hidden from the norm of modern society. Eventually I emerged as this butterfly, beautiful, fresh, wings strong enough to take flight and finally explore the world, which was waiting for me.

I was no longer a weak form of prey for others to feast upon, I had become a predator, anything, which got in my way that contained a heart I was ready to feast upon. This time I was not going to make that fatal mistake I did last time, this time I was not going to let anyone in, I was now in control of the game.

Seeing as I was in power, I decided to take advantage of the situation. I discovered that I was what girls wanted. In their blind eyes I had the looks, the personality, and the attitude, therefore I started to lead them on. Eventually I broke their fragile hearts of glass, for my own satisfaction. I did this because I felt I was in control of the situation, therefore I knew no one could attack me.

If I were to be attacked I would be caused to shrink back into the shadows of depression. This game continued for several months, as I had nothing more amusing to be participating in. Then one day with out warning of any sort, my world was thrown into reverse.