Being able to cry

All my life i have been able to cry
but now i have trained myself not to
its pulling me away
I'm losing control

the pressures building up
my emotions are about to explode but yet i train myself
to keep it all in

it hasn't always been like this
i used to be able to cry
have my pillows soaked with tears

i still cry now
but this is a different cry
not one of tears but one of pain

for as i sit and cut myself
i think of the old times
when my emotions would soak out onto my pillow
i wish those times would come back