Facing silence on suicide

Over a hill
I walk
There is a field of green
I wonder up slowly
Not knowing what this means

I have travelled far
Is see this show
I look in the distance
I see the family I do not know

I hear the speech
My life is surreal
I look down
At your final words

There engraved on the stone
Is your name
I never met you
It all seemed like a game

But I know I could have helped you
If only I had tried more
If only I had been brave enough
To ask you more

So the rain pours down
Everyone turns away
The umbrellas go up
From your funeral day

Now I have to face
40 years of regret
40 years of blaming myself
40 years of trying to forget

If only, what if, why did I
What to do, where to lie
I will try to talk, forgive myself
Why just why just why

Why did he not talk
Why did I not persist
As the pastor reads
From his unknown list

Their looks of horror
The families ugly stares
A bird flies over
Their accusations; nightmares

So now he sits in silence
And expects me to ignore
When I have this image
Knocking on my imaginations door?