I am lying in bed,
with a vigilant mind
and two eyes that will not shut.
A provisional gloom accompanies me tonight,
and I am lonelier than I have ever been.
You lay right next to me:
dormant,
with your giant head-
slightly touching my flesh.
The warmish gust of your breath
begins to melt my icy tears.
I don't know why,
but I am saddened by this moment.
Troubled by your flawless love for me.
Every time that I turn over to look at you,
I start to hate myself a little more.
And when we make love,
I silently bask in repulsion.
I have spawned a disgust
for sex with any man.
It is getting harder and harder,
to remain attached.
I love you,
but this relationship
has placed me in the ruins.
I cannot breathe.
It feels like I am drowning in guilt,
afraid of shallow waters;
or a belated truth,
that might soon be revealed.
I wish that I could admit
to this camouflaged despair,
but I do not wish to harm you.
In your own wretched little existence,
to you, I am the world.
There is nowhere to go
but headlong-
into this clouded disarray.
A crack of thunder wakes you up,
and our eyes meet once again.
You pull me closer to your chest,
and I die a little more inside.
